Scooter, the German dance group, who according to Wiki have sold over 30 million records, are awful. Terrible. In fact, if you choose to listen to them, you’ve no business having functioning ears and should at once find a way to donate your powers of hearing to someone more deserving.
This, judging by the look on my friend’s face when my iTunes’ library shuffled its way to I’m Raving this morning, is true.
While I immediately felt uplifted by the childlike wonderment captured in every beat composed by the white-haired raver and his pals, my friend’s face folded in on itself in a way that suggested it was trying to crush her skull in order to end the suffering.
‘Scooter,’ they said, as though the word were a synonym for shit.
‘Yup,’ I said, meaning, fuck you.
Scooter* and his music are great. Let’s take as examples, as they are the ones on my playlist, the tracks The Logical Song and I’m Raving.
In The Logical Song, we learn that Scooter’s virtues are almost listless. He begins by greeting us ‘Good Morning!’ Such dedication to manners even while preparing to burst through a plethora of complicated and deeply symbolic lyrics is commendable. Later, he encourages us with the line, ‘Come on!’ For Scooter then, it’s about everyone sharing in the moment. In the chorus, he even extols the benefits of staying in school, counting ‘1, 2 , 3, 4’, something that Justin Bieber couldn’t manage even with the aid of his fingers. And okay, so Scooter finishes the song with, ‘Stand up!’ , which could seem a little self aggrandising, but I choose to believe he just wants everyone else up on his level. Up near those positive energies that are raining down like luminous snowflakes.
In I’m Raving, the song that really shows Scooter’s commitment to his craft, he begins by putting on his raving shoes. I mean what incredible dedication. Imagine, special shoes. Just for raving. I wish I had special writing shoes. They’d have all my favourite words stencilled across them and laces made from bendy pencils. It is in this track that we see Scooter for the humble man he is, yelling out, ‘Thank you!’ as he brings I’m Raving to a close, obviously grateful for each and every listener.
Actually, come to think of it, the first time I ever heard I’m Raving was when I walked into a school disco only to see the girl I liked kissing another guy. Scooter, you dick.
*Yes, I’m aware Scooter isn’t actually a bloke, and that it’s the name of the group. You have three choices in what to believe here – One, that I think between all the members of Scooter, they have just enough personality to make one whole individual; two, that I’m eluding to some sort of existential existence where the groups’ collective talent has birthed a new being, The Scooter; three, that I’ve written it this way for comic effect. Either choice is fine.