A Murderous Brew

I think the staff of my local Costa are trying to kill me. There can’t possibly be another explanation for their utter and total ineptitude. No, I refuse to believe any group of human beings can be as collectively stupid. They must be working to some fiendish plan in a dastardly effort to have my heart explode in my chest.

I’m not allowed caffeine. It’s a sad but terrible truth. Something about random electric impulses or other. To be honest, I couldn’t really hear the surgeon over the sound of the tears crashing down my face like a tide bent on ruining the world. So you see, when I go to coffee shops I’m extra careful to ask for decaf.

Yet Costa’s elite team decided to ignore my simple request and give me tea of the fully caffeinated variety. After a couple of gulps, my highly developed sense of ‘those idiots didn’t do what I asked’ kicked in, and I felt compelled to just double check exactly what they’d given me.

Here’s how the scene broke down (I’ve included some handy pictures as character references for the more visual among you).




An artist’s likeness of the average Castle Marina Costa worker.

Me: This is decaffeinated, right?

Chimp: Um. No.

Me: It’s not?

Chimp: No.

Me: Why not?

Chimp: Um. It says here *waves a piece of paper in my face* ‘regular tea’.

At this point an another chimp chimed in.


Dumber Chimp.

Chimp 2: That’s my fault. I put it through as a standard tea.


Me. Wondering which is greater – my rage or their unbridled stupidity.

Me: Because you wanted to kill me?

Chimp 2: What?

Me: I’m allergic to caffeine.

Chimp 2: Really?

Me: No, I just like making a fuss.

Chimp: There’s no need to be like that, it’s an easy mistake.

Me: One that could have killed me.

Chimp 2: What, you could have died from one cup of tea.

Me: Yes, idiot. Did you think I asked for decaffeinated because I enjoy paying the full price for something that has non of the awesome benefits?

Chimp: Oh shit.

Chimp 2: Do you need anything?

Me: Yes, you to turn back time and get my fucking order right.

Now this might seem a tad harsh, but don’t rush to their defence. This isn’t the first time they’ve failed to follow basic instructions. You see, most mornings, I go there for a hot chocolate. Skinny with only half the chocolate powder. Most mornings they fuck that up too.

Until someone decides to pay people to breathe, coffee shop workers have the easiest job in the world. They need to simply turn up, and carry out requests in a timely manner. At no point in their day do they have to struggle with anything close to a decision of their own. It’s just unbelievable how they manage to be quite so shit.

Even the managers are idiots. I can only assume they’ve been promoted for successfully defending the branch against any would be employees who seemed able to stand up and talk without over taxing their brains.

Morons. All of them.


Chump McChimpanson. Director, Costa Coffee.


2 thoughts on “A Murderous Brew

  1. I don’t know what’s greater: their ineptitude or my sympathy for anyone who needs to go through life without sweet, sweet lady caffeine at their side. You have my respect, sir.
    P.S. Is there like a database of chimp/coffee pictures out there somewhere? ‘Cause I want to know about it!

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